nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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