glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
