We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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