Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
