So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
