I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
