You're earring is so big in my mouth
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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