It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
