I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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