so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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