I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
