She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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