i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize