My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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