all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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