I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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