He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
