I haven't been this sober since birth.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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