You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
