yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize