I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
