I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
