just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
