it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize