Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How's work?
Spinning.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
