phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
