You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
