Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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