My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
