i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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