I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
sarcasm needs its own font
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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