Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize