cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just tell him i said nine months
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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