OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
