She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
