I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
