LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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