I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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