God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
