White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
