Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
