Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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