1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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