rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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