found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
