I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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