mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
