All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
