Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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