What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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