ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize