Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
