The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
