this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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