did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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