70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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