He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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